dear butt,
it’s been a while! ohhh yes it’s been a while. since. the. vet. you know? LAST VET AS A FREE MAN! ohhahohoho marriage joke! BALL CHAIN. anyhoo. this VET took place before my wedding, which it is now after. of. so uh. yeah. it’s april. 11th actually. ACTUALLY. five months since the VET 2016, to the day! oh, if only we could have known what the glorious future held in store for us! actually, we did. cause trump was already ‘lected. by the VET. the horror. it was freash from earlier that week, and it threatened to destroy the glory that is the VET. its ugly specter loomed over everything we did that day, but we carefully managed to avoid it as a topic of discussion for the most part. somehow. ALAS. let me recount the day!
early to bed, early to rise. that’s what i always say. and possibly what i was saying that very day! maybe. it was a friday. i know that much. i think i woke up early-ish, and took a shower. and then waited for the COREY to come pick me up. oh. OH AND NOW I REMEMBER. corey picked me up “late” as a result of his indulging in breakfast. without asking me if i wanted breakfast. what. a. shit. we took off and drove around a littleways, as so expertly and accurately depicted in the lil’ map-o-tron on the website. we stopped an a crappo hardees for some salt-ridden breakfast for me, so i could catch up with corey. it was not super satisfying, if i recall correctly.
we did a big drive at that point. east, i4 to 192, apparently. we jammed out to our first two mixes (corey’s jamz & my phat vet)… definitely daytimesies. at some point we stopped at a toys r us, and corey got SUPER FUCKING PUMPED about dronez. as per usual. classic corey. i don’t believe we bought anything, which is a ridiculous claim, but we definitely made up for that soon enough.
our trip down the road continued until we made it to the faraway mystical land of melbourne, florida, where a little hot dog stand – mustard’s LAST stand – caught my eye and i demanded we get out and dog it up. dog that shit up. AND DOG IT UP WE DID.
we had some mean ‘dogz, and i had a beer, and had my camera/dong out so everyone could see how fucking cool i am. i like that, you know? need people to see. to understand. my glory. i somehow made it through my dogs and some of my fries without violently shitting my pants with flaming hot pools of burning wet stinky diarrhea – a first for me. we took some asshole pictures around town, and then invaded a local bookstore, where i browsed through literally every record they had, corey eavesdropped on the insane owner and his scientology/cult conversation where a random customer rubbed his feet/cock, and we both picked up some badazz loot aka books & records. it was a success!
after we departed, we traveled northward along the actual space coast, making our way through cocoa beach, and discussing the feasibility of a life of contentment/success while only working a job and not having any outside “work” of any sort, using the bookstore owner as our example. i maintained that he could potentially be living a fulfilling life if he felt that he were playing a role in society as the proprietor of a bookstore, even if he just went straight home at night and did nothing else. corey believed that he could not be happy living a life like that, or at the very least he was a MOTHER FUCKING FAILURE. perhaps i’ve simplified his view too much, or maybe he’s just heartless; unfortunately, we’ll never know.
we made a pit stop at a local CVS in order to pick up a crossword puzzle to complete that evening. i used the bathroom, and was delighted to find a garbage can of emptied wine cooler bottles, steel wool, and used syringes. corey simply pooped his pants. we somehow secured the paper, and after a brief “flirtation with death” (purchasing the paper), we were on our way!
as we made our way back westward, we passed some awesome spacey stuff (that building where they make space ships), and we discussed censorship in the arts. corey turned into louis ck and i turned into bill cosby. it was scary. we drove a bit more, until corey deemed it necessary to take a break from VETTING and work on his PROJECT. whatever that is. so we stopped at a little park called fort mellon park in sanford florida, which happened to also be the location of the black swan of vetmas past. while corey worked, i took a truly delightful stroll around the park, listening to the beatles and the beautiful south. took pictures. observed the little college type town around me. it was surprisingly peaceful and somehow cathartic, and was one of the unexpected high points of the VET. by the time i returned, the sun had set, and we too were set for further adventure.
after a long, meandering drive, listening to my second playlist (daft vet) and hoping to find food as our hours dwindled away, we finally decided we should hit up the cloak and blaster, a cool nerd pub that corey invented. we arrived, crossword in hand, and began the long, mean work of crosswordin’ while eating delicious burgers and drinking incredible beer/soda combinations. meaning i did that. i had a lot of drinks and they were all so fucking good. the dark mark – milk stout & root beer. nightlock berry – blueberry wheat beer & sweet stout. and the best, hogwarts after dark – butterscotch beer & sweet stout floater (pictured, and i had two of these, i believe). i probably had all of those. probably. and the burger had peanut butter. it was alright, but did not blow the ol’ mind. eh. still, great fucking place. and we did alright on the crossword, despite the many hours it took.
finally, for our long return trip we enjoyed corey’s second mix (introspection), discussed life [presumably], and drove off a cliff to our untimely deaths.
TIL NEXT YEAR, THE VET!